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[tFF]

HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle
East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

и в догонку:

- Hello are you there?
- Yes, who are you, please?
- Watt
- What's your name?
- Watt's my name.
- Yes, what is your name?
- My name is John Watt.
- John what?
- Yes.
- ? I'll call you again.
- All right. Are you Jones?
- No, I'm Knott.
- Will you tell me your name then?
- Will Knott.
- Why not?
- My name's Knott.
- Not what?
- Not Watt, Knott!
- What...

Gun Shop Owner: "Hi, How can I help you?"
Client: "I'm lookin' for a gun."
Owner:"What kind of gun are you lookin' for?"
Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case):
"That one looks about right."
Owner: (very surprised): " Why do you need a .44 magnum?"
Client: "It's for shootin' at cans."
Owner: (pointing at a small handgun): "Well, this is the perfect
size for shooting at cans."
Client: (pointing again at the .44): "Nah, I need this one."
Owner: "OK, what kind of cans are you shooting at?"
Client: "Mexi-cans.......Puerto Ri-cans........Afri-cans

ps
Ооооооооооооооооооооооооооооо!!! Это Баааааааааяяяяяяяяяяяяяяяяяяяяяяяяяяннн нн!!!


pps
Вы спросите: "Ты дату-то видел?"
А мы Вам ответим:
1-ый креатив в моих архивах датирован аж от 22 ноября 2002
2-ой - 24 января 2000

3-ий - будет без даты. зайепло рыться так же, как и тема про баяны. все знают баян про "бездаты"?

[tFF]

: To The Manager
Y.M.C.A. Hotel
London, England

Dear Signor Diretorre

Now I am tella you the story how I was treated at your hotella. I am comma
from Palermo as tourist to London and stay as younga man at your hotella.
When I comma in my room I see is no shit in my bed. How can I sleep with no
shit in my bed? I calla down the recepcione and tella: "I wanna shit". They
tell me: "Go to the toillett". I say: "No, no, I wanna shit in my bed".
They say: "You betta not shit in your bed, you sonnawabitch". I go down for
ristorante for breakfast. I order bacon and eggs and two pisses of toast. I
getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress and pointa of toast: "I wanna
piss". She tella me: "Go to the toillett". I say: "No, no, I wanna piss on
my plate".She then say to me: "You bloody fella not piss on the plate, you
sonnawabitch". Second person who do not even know me and calla me
sonnawabitch! What is sonnawabitch!? Later I go for dinner into ristorante.
Spoon and knife is laid out but no fock. I tella waitress: "I wanna
fock" and she tella me: "Sure everybody wanna fock". I tella her: "No, no,
you don't understand me. I wanna fock on the table". She then tella me: "So
you sonnawabitch, wanna fock on the table? Get your ass out of here". So I
go to the recepcione and ask for the billa. I no wanna stay in this hotella
no more. When I have pay the billa, the porter say to me: "Thank you, and
peace on you". I say: "Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch". I go back to
Italy! I never more comma stay in your hotella, you sonnawabitch.

Sincerely,
Enrico Morelli

[Mode]

Да знаем мы, знаем про "бездаты".

Мы еще вот чего знаем.

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type
real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,  Pepole really
seam to respond to me well.

Iґm lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my
persinalety.  My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me
and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely.  Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. ..

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at
my last jobb.

Clik to sea fotto

Employer's response:......


Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check

[lietuva]

An Easy guide to economics :-


SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.


COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.


FASCISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.


NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.


BUREAUCRATISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other
and throws the milk away...


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies,
and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk
of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow
dropped dead.


A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create
A clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.


A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years,
Eat once a month, and milk themselves.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for
lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again
and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.


A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for
storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full
employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who
reported the numbers.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.


A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.